Monday, November 16, 2009

Water-Walking



So, I've taken a step of faith. A completely blind step in full faith that God will provide. I quit my job. For the first time in my life, I feel like I've done something to take care of myself. It's weird. And good.

Sometimes, I have fleeting guilt. I've let down my students. I've given up on my teacher-heart. What have I done? Am I stupid? Look at this economy! How will we live?

"Do not be afraid" is what I keep hearing/feeling in that intuitive God-voice within and around me.

I have no reasons not to be afraid. We have a mortgage and a baby and certified teachers are scrambling for precious few positions and children need me to be hope in their lives and change needs to happen and the economy is awful and i want to be a good steward of my money and time and i want to be responsible and organized and provide for my family and put my husband through school and eat well and go out often....

Barf.

I've never felt such peace, cleaning my home and cooking my own meals again.

I started a risky new endeavor, selling Discovery Toys. But, I feel peaceful about it. I'm okay that it only makes 20% commission and that I have to do house parties like a Mary Kay lady. I don't plan on getting rich. I just plan on talking about babies and children and having fun and eating better and learning how to take care of myself.

This is crazy to say, but I don't want a career yet. At least, I don't think I do. This has been my life:

Married at 21
Neighborhood ministry/life with a roommate for the second year of marriage while completing my masters degree
Lived in 3 cities and moved 9 times in the last 6 years
Moved to Texas two years ago (I still can't believe I live here!)
Taught two different grades in three (incomplete) years in two wildly different districts and three wildly different schools
Had a baby
Bought a house

Whoooooooooaaaaaaa. Whoa. Whoa.

It's kind of a miracle I didn't break down earlier than I did.

But I am so glad to be here, now. I want to be aware of my life, aware of how young I am and how fun life can be. I want to be less serious and more carefree.

I know that God has a plan for my life, a rhythm for my family and for me. I'm not entirely sure that Discovery Toys is not what God wants for me right now, or even for a long time. It's nothing I would have ever dreamed I would even be interested in--it's so far from the ghettos and urban neighborhoods where I was sure that God exclusively resided. But Jesus is surprising me. He's luring me on a different path than I had ever imagined for myself.

And for the first time in a long time, I'm actually trying to listen.

For too long, I think I had an idea of what I should be doing as a Christian and then doing that with intense passion and pouring all of myself into it: Westminster House, MIT, West Avenue fourth grade, SAISD second grade...

But now, I want to be a peaceful mother who thinks about her child most often and plans meals and family time rather than lessons that may or may not fall apart. Or make a difference.

Don't get me wrong. I will still use my degree. Someday more than I am currently or in the near future likely to do. I still feel that teaching is a calling for me.

But right now, I am most content being simply Mom.

3 comments:

Richelle said...

Whoa girl! I know our phone date will happen eventually...but I am grateful that I happened upon this blog of yours today. I can't imagine how torn you must've felt for so long between being mommy, teacher, provider, friend, and all of the other roles you filled on a daily basis. You're in my heart as you trust in the Holy One to nurture and lead. PS I'm glad someone else noticed the beautiful Sara Groves video :) HUGS!

Faith said...

Trusting is so hard...I've been given a good dose of that this year...shabang!

Amy and Jonathan Hook said...

Tracy - I stumbled upon your bog via Erin & Jakes just now and read your thoughts about teaching and motherhood.

I just want you to know that I TOTALLY relate to your teaching/motherhood/life thoughts and struggles right now! Being a mom is the best, isn't it! Kuddos to you in your decision...what is a better investment than a little life? :)