Sunday, June 3, 2012


I've exhausted every possible solution,
I've tried every last game there is to play. 
In this search for the Christ-like perfection, I'm convinced I've only left my God ashamed
I cry I wonder can he hear my despair. 
Afraid to lift my hands, afraid he doesn't care.
 And if he answers and I fall again,  can I still be his daughter? Can I still depend on him? 

When I'm down, search every mistake, I'm looking for new regrets. 
Sometimes I forget, I forget 
that his grace is sufficient for me, 
that it's deeper and wider than I can conceive. 
His Grace is sufficient for me. 

My convictions seem to fade with desperation, my hope declines with each and every tear. 
My sin an anchor and this grace just an illusion. 
The gavels heavy and justice is near. 
Up comes the light and finds the stains on my hands. 
Up comes my pride, I hide, I know he won't understand because it's 
deeper than deep and it's wider then wide. 
why did I ever doubt now I'm dying inside. 

His grace is sufficient for me.

something is bugging me.  someone is facebook-yelling at their church for not being good enough, in their own terms.  i want to ask: what about those in your church who struggle to live out their faith in fear and trembling among a community that neither understands nor accepts the gospel of Jesus Christ?  what about some of those Christians who try continuously to have conversations with people who refuse to read the Scripture and think that so many platitudes and inspiring quotes must be in the Bible because being a Christian means to be nice and charming and have good hygiene and manners and go to college and convince themselves and others (and God?!) that they are good enough to be worth Jesus' sacrifice.

I'm not worth it.
And neither are you.
For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God...

...and are justified freely  by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ. (romans 3:23-24)

we don't deserve grace, but it's ours.  
Jesus is our righteousness which empowers us to do good works in the world.

i'm having a hard time wanting to jump onboard what this person might think is 
the only way to be a Christian.

is social justice necessary?  absolutely. 
is mission work a holy calling?  yes.
i believe service is a way of life (holla at your Krista Colleagues!),
does mission work exclude white urban/suburbanites as recipients of the Gospel?
we can't possibly need the message the salvation,
can we?

and so today i ponder grace. 

how do i treat this someone with the grace of Jesus Christ?
how do i speak my heart in gentle, loving ways?
how do i concede when they have a good point, but discuss (with eloquence) when our views oppose?
i am grateful for the gift of grace i have been given. 
for it is by grace that you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;  not as a result of works so that no one may boast.
ephesians 2:8-9

i guess we just need to remember, constantly, how very much in need of grace we all are.  then allow it for ourselves and for others.

we will never be perfect.

this side of heaven...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

stop looking

so, i've heard people say something to single people for a long time: 'as soon as you stop looking, you'll fin d him/her!'  i sort of feel like that is happening right now, but with friends.

i have longed with a bitter and hollow sadness to be back "home" with what i considered "my community".  for five long years, i have felt an outsider in san antonio, watching several other communities flourish while remaining invisible, or unable to be let in either because the community was unable to let me in, or i was unable to let myself in.

looking back at the last post i put in here, a full two years ago, i was so hopeful about finding a community.  but that group didn't work out.  in fact, we still don't have any sort of regular 'group' to 'belong' to.

sometimes, i just think i'm being too picky.  who in the world gets to grow old with their best friends and raise their children together?  no one.  so, i guess not me either.  but it haunts me.  they have all begun their adult lives.  more or less, together.  and so i feel outside even where i should be 'in'.

oh, but this post is about how when you stop looking, you find them.  i did kind of have to stop looking because i was getting disappointed too much.  people i thought i'd be so close to, its been years and we're still just...not...close.

but here's where it gets interesting.

there have been these few little gems that for unknown reasons have wanted to know me.  and i have been finding myself wanting to spend more time with and invest in.  and so far, we have.  and new littles keep cropping up.

but i keep trying not to get my hopes up, even though that's pretty much how i operate.

i guess i just long for true, deep relationships.  that last.

i want to crack up and have deep talks and raise babies and share stuff and ideas and memories with people.