Sunday, June 3, 2012


I've exhausted every possible solution,
I've tried every last game there is to play. 
In this search for the Christ-like perfection, I'm convinced I've only left my God ashamed
I cry I wonder can he hear my despair. 
Afraid to lift my hands, afraid he doesn't care.
 And if he answers and I fall again,  can I still be his daughter? Can I still depend on him? 

When I'm down, search every mistake, I'm looking for new regrets. 
Sometimes I forget, I forget 
that his grace is sufficient for me, 
that it's deeper and wider than I can conceive. 
His Grace is sufficient for me. 

My convictions seem to fade with desperation, my hope declines with each and every tear. 
My sin an anchor and this grace just an illusion. 
The gavels heavy and justice is near. 
Up comes the light and finds the stains on my hands. 
Up comes my pride, I hide, I know he won't understand because it's 
deeper than deep and it's wider then wide. 
why did I ever doubt now I'm dying inside. 

His grace is sufficient for me.

something is bugging me.  someone is facebook-yelling at their church for not being good enough, in their own terms.  i want to ask: what about those in your church who struggle to live out their faith in fear and trembling among a community that neither understands nor accepts the gospel of Jesus Christ?  what about some of those Christians who try continuously to have conversations with people who refuse to read the Scripture and think that so many platitudes and inspiring quotes must be in the Bible because being a Christian means to be nice and charming and have good hygiene and manners and go to college and convince themselves and others (and God?!) that they are good enough to be worth Jesus' sacrifice.

I'm not worth it.
And neither are you.
For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God...

...and are justified freely  by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ. (romans 3:23-24)

we don't deserve grace, but it's ours.  
Jesus is our righteousness which empowers us to do good works in the world.

i'm having a hard time wanting to jump onboard what this person might think is 
the only way to be a Christian.

is social justice necessary?  absolutely. 
is mission work a holy calling?  yes.
i believe service is a way of life (holla at your Krista Colleagues!),
does mission work exclude white urban/suburbanites as recipients of the Gospel?
we can't possibly need the message the salvation,
can we?

and so today i ponder grace. 

how do i treat this someone with the grace of Jesus Christ?
how do i speak my heart in gentle, loving ways?
how do i concede when they have a good point, but discuss (with eloquence) when our views oppose?
i am grateful for the gift of grace i have been given. 
for it is by grace that you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;  not as a result of works so that no one may boast.
ephesians 2:8-9

i guess we just need to remember, constantly, how very much in need of grace we all are.  then allow it for ourselves and for others.

we will never be perfect.

this side of heaven...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

stop looking

so, i've heard people say something to single people for a long time: 'as soon as you stop looking, you'll fin d him/her!'  i sort of feel like that is happening right now, but with friends.

i have longed with a bitter and hollow sadness to be back "home" with what i considered "my community".  for five long years, i have felt an outsider in san antonio, watching several other communities flourish while remaining invisible, or unable to be let in either because the community was unable to let me in, or i was unable to let myself in.

looking back at the last post i put in here, a full two years ago, i was so hopeful about finding a community.  but that group didn't work out.  in fact, we still don't have any sort of regular 'group' to 'belong' to.

sometimes, i just think i'm being too picky.  who in the world gets to grow old with their best friends and raise their children together?  no one.  so, i guess not me either.  but it haunts me.  they have all begun their adult lives.  more or less, together.  and so i feel outside even where i should be 'in'.

oh, but this post is about how when you stop looking, you find them.  i did kind of have to stop looking because i was getting disappointed too much.  people i thought i'd be so close to, its been years and we're still just...not...close.

but here's where it gets interesting.

there have been these few little gems that for unknown reasons have wanted to know me.  and i have been finding myself wanting to spend more time with and invest in.  and so far, we have.  and new littles keep cropping up.

but i keep trying not to get my hopes up, even though that's pretty much how i operate.

i guess i just long for true, deep relationships.  that last.

i want to crack up and have deep talks and raise babies and share stuff and ideas and memories with people.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

wait for the Lord

i was afraid of last night.

two weeks ago, we tried getting together with some new neighbors who are wanting to build intentional community and try being "missional" together.

lots of awkward silences, culminating in a rousing discussion about how to most effectively get rid of raccoons in your attic.

not exactly what i had pictured, and i was really not looking forward to last nights second meeting.

ah, but isn't that where the Lord meets us?  in the places we do not want to be (jonah)...

the best part is, it wasn't even perfect.  we still talked about the raccoons, but this time it was much more entertaining and playful as we felt so much more comfortable with each other.

there were lots of awkward silences as we sat around eating hot dogs and drinking beer.  we kept using babies to get us out of tough spots ("she is just SO cute!  look at her little expression right now!  i think she just burped...").

but then, magic.

we decided to share our stories, how we grew up and how we got to san antonio (there must be some reason why we are all here)...

as we prayed, the Presence came in through closed doors.

scripture seeped into hearts and was then spilled out to share and encourage, inspire.

psalm 27.  wait for the Lord.

and i realized that david and i  had been waiting for the Lord.  waiting in what felt like exile in texas, for this night--for believers to meet with in our neighborhood who wanted to open us and themselves up to a grand Adventure.

i am finally excited about the future again.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

i love...

last night, we watched adventureland.

not what we had expected, but we liked it for sure.

the two main characters reminded us of what it was like to be falling in love.

for us, in college at whitworth , when we would just stare at each other in the car and be so in tune with how we felt about the other person that we could think of nothing else.

we talked about how funny and annoying it would be now to find the other one staring at us while we drove.  but back then, we could have just stared at each other for hours, feeling the music of our souls and drinking it all in.  and that is exactly what we did back then.

so after the movie, we talked a lot about where we were and where we are now in our love.

tonight, i was listening to david wilcox , one of our absolute favorite artists.  i was reminded of this beautiful song that was supposed to be our first dance together at our wedding, but we forgot to put it on the playlist.



enjoy and think of the one you sing this to.


I love your sense of humor
I love to see you smile
I love your sense of balance
I love your sense of time

I love your music in the morning
Your rhythm in the night
But it's your kindness
That shines so bright

Yes I love your beauty
I love your sexy moves
But more I love your honesty
You always tell the truth

I love your vision of the future
Your hope that never dies
But it's your kindness that clears my skies

Yes I love your wisdom
Your knowledge of the past
Your willingness to listen
And taste for what will last

Your compassion for the suffering
And your solid happiness
But it's your kindness that I love best

I love...
I love...
I love...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


full disclosure: i put google ads on the sidebar of my blog to see if i could get any revenue. if you feel like it, click on a link, but i know you're all too smart to do that, so...

sorry! just seeing if its worth anything.

have a nice day.

adventures close to home

**taken directly from a book i just rediscovered: succulent wild woman by SARK...

women deserve adventurous lives. as little girls, we served flower petals on plates made of leaves, and imaginary liquid in thimbles, wearing skirts made of old tablecloths.

we adventured on our bicycles, which turned into imaginary horses. there were daily adventures, close to home, beneath the clothesline, in homemade forts, in our best friends' bedrooms.

as adult women, we can become more sedate, less experimental--we develop "adventure amnesia" and don't even remember what is lost.

then we're invited to a tea party and feel a fizz of excitement. or, we take a "miracle walk" in our neighborhood, just to look at trees. we go out dancing together and wear wild nail polish...

we remember our adventurous souls. i like to take my sleeping bag and drive to the county during comet active times. i hike to a hilly spot and watch shooting stars.

full moon hiking is another grand adventure. extending our antennae can produce adventures in "ordinary places".

while walking on a cliffside trail with my friend, debbie, around the bend appeared a man in an elegant suit and tie--as though he had just walked out of a magazine. i complimented his appearance loudly and heartily, and he grinned and introduced us to his 2 japanese friends, also wearing suits. they disappeared down the path, and we laughed at the incongruity of it.

a tiny adventurous moment, close to home. it changes your perspective, reminds you that the world is deep and rich and full of colors and miracles.

fill your life with tiny and large adventurous moments...

...we must be open to adventure--seek it out, ask questions, dare to talk to strangers.

women are oppressed by fears in this society. it's true. it's not safe. neither is staying home, hiding from an adventurous life. take self-defense, use your intuition and caution, walk in pairs and groups, but please, come out of your houses, apartments and cars.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

least of these

today was rough.

lots of ish happened that made me exhausted emotionally and physically--david was sick, josiah threw up all over me, some contractors gave us a good idea of what we need to do to fix our leaking basement, lots of loads of laundry and dirty diapers...

david said to me: babe, you've worked so hard today and done so much. tonight, when josiah goes to bed, you should just go and do something--whatever you want to do! you deserve it!

my first thought was: yes! a night out with a friend to eat and drink and be merry after working super hard all day! this will be so fun!

but i suddenly felt very lonely.

there still arent many people in san antonio that i feel i know all that well--well enough to call up on a tuesday night for a little food and wine and laughter...

my best friend, dirty, and i talked for awhile and she was sympathetic and sweetly prayed for me as i wept for feeling so lonely.

i trudged into whole foods and dropped $15 on pizza, mississippi mud (large, cheap beer) and a chococlate bar, then headed to walgreens to check out the movies at the redbox.

near the redbox was a black man in a wheelchair. in his lap were some bags from walgreens and a book, a blanket over his legs. he called out to me, asking me how i was. i gave the typical answer: "i'm doin' alright, how are you?" even though my face was still tight from having just been crying.

his reply to my "how are you?" was, at first, simply: "homeless." i looked up from the redbox. "thank you so much for asking," he went on.

we talked for awhile, i shook his hand multiple times and i admitted finally that today had been a rough day and that i wasn't simply just "alright". his ministered to me and spoke Truth about Who and Whose i really am.

he is one of the first homeless people i have met who didn't obviously have mental health issues--and i've met a lot of homeless people. it broke my heart that as we talked he told of his very basic, real human needs, confiding that he hadn't been able to bathe in over a week and that he was very self-conscious about the way he smelled.

he expressed anger and sadness toward the people on the bus that treat him differently because of how he smells currently and he called it what it is: selfishness. that they can't get out of themselves enough to even consider that he may be unable to find a place to bathe.

i didnt have any cash on me, but i wanted to give him all my christmas money.

when i got in the car, i still felt the impression of his hand in mine as we shook hands upon saying goodbye.

i haven't cried about anyone other than myself in such a long time and it felt so awful and so right.

God! provide for your child, byron!