stop looking

so, i've heard people say something to single people for a long time: 'as soon as you stop looking, you'll fin d him/her!'  i sort of feel like that is happening right now, but with friends.

i have longed with a bitter and hollow sadness to be back "home" with what i considered "my community".  for five long years, i have felt an outsider in san antonio, watching several other communities flourish while remaining invisible, or unable to be let in either because the community was unable to let me in, or i was unable to let myself in.

looking back at the last post i put in here, a full two years ago, i was so hopeful about finding a community.  but that group didn't work out.  in fact, we still don't have any sort of regular 'group' to 'belong' to.

sometimes, i just think i'm being too picky.  who in the world gets to grow old with their best friends and raise their children together?  no one.  so, i guess not me either.  but it haunts me.  they have all begun their adult lives.  more or less, together.  and so i feel outside even where i should be 'in'.

oh, but this post is about how when you stop looking, you find them.  i did kind of have to stop looking because i was getting disappointed too much.  people i thought i'd be so close to, its been years and we're still just...not...close.

but here's where it gets interesting.

there have been these few little gems that for unknown reasons have wanted to know me.  and i have been finding myself wanting to spend more time with and invest in.  and so far, we have.  and new littles keep cropping up.

but i keep trying not to get my hopes up, even though that's pretty much how i operate.

i guess i just long for true, deep relationships.  that last.

i want to crack up and have deep talks and raise babies and share stuff and ideas and memories with people.